Christmas & Peyton

written 01/24/23

Christmas without Peyton was hard, I honestly have no words to describe it. Sometimes I try to put things down on paper and express the grieving but if you have experienced death and losing someone close too your heart you understand that sometimes there are just no words too say....no words to confirm the thoughts, no words to confirm the crying, and no words too confirm the angry feeling in your heart of wondering why this had too happen. No words, just no words...it's almost like your numb too the process of grieving and I wanna cry but can't, I wanna laugh but can't, wanna scream but can't, just this numb feeling of not wanting to feel anything but yet you feel everything at the same time and you can't figure out which emotion you should express first or not express at all. I don't know if that makes any sense but it makes perfect sense too my grieving heart.

I'm definitely learning too give myself grace and patience too grieve through the pain and each emotion as they come. The amount of healing and acceptance I have grown in just this last month has been life changing for myself. I keep moving forward by healing through the loss and knowing God is here with me. Trust the process of grief because everyone's journey is different and it's okay too not be okay. Peyton would be so proud of the woman I am becoming and it's all because of her...that little girl changed me in so many ways. Goodness I love her so much!

Now let's move on and talk about this Pink Christmas Tree, I wanted too have a tree that was pink and beautiful and had her and I represented together. I wanted to have Peyton as close too me as possible and this tree I decorated was perfect...God made her feel so close too me during the Christmas season and He gave me the comfort, peace and acceptance I needed. I missed her dearly on Christmas and wanted and wished she was here with me and I don't know how to explain it but I felt her close and God made sure I could feel her close.

Enjoy Peyton and i's Pink Christmas tree!!